International News - February 11, 2025
Prime Minister Trudeau held a press conference in
Montreal last night after attending the opening of a new opera house recently
completed for Canada's prestigious Opera de Minuit. In
talking with reporters, Trudeau announced the upcoming adoption by
Canada of the Continental United States to form what will hence be
called the Province of South Canada.
The
transfer of this "poorly managed adjunct territory" into the central
orbit of the mature Canadian empire will take place on a date Trudeau
promises to announce next week, after he visits Melania and Donald Trump
at their home, with the explicit intent to arrange for the benevolent
care of the aging gentleman in his autumnal senescence.
While
the Washington DC Capitol Building will house the new Provincial
government, Trudeau
has graciously decided to convert the White House into a gambling casino
like the world has never known, so well funded that it will create
thousands of jobs, and attract people from all over the world for a
level of fun rarely seen. Through
the skilled satisfaction of the needs of influential jet setters, the
happy mingling of peoples from many nations at this site may produce a
shift toward international peace and a sense of global wellbeing.
Some
have asked whether or not the proposed arrangement is fair to the Trump
couple, but Trudeau has noted that the proposed change arises solely
out of a feeling that Donald and Melania need help and that those who
are less needy need to reach out to provide for them. Toward that end,
Trudeau emphasizes that the Trumps will be welcome to stay at the
casino and share in the revelry after the White House upgrade. Ottawa
will use the proceeds from the White Casino first to pay off
debts incurred in its construction, and subsequently to promote world
peace. If the citizens of South Canada attempt any future violent
overthrow of elections, the White Casino will serve during such time as
safe refuge and deployment center for law abiding legislators and law
enforcement agents injured in the line of duty.
No one was able to determine this
evening whether or not Trudeau had come up with this idea on the spur of
the moment or had been working on it since his early childhood, when he
wrote a school paper that presciently anticipated the value of this proposal.
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